I remember tomorrow like it was yesterday

Sorry about that, I had a rough night next Tuesday.

Cheers Tony

My father inlaw, Tony Iwanow passed away last week after a fabulous 81 year adventure. You couldn't have asked for a better husband, father, grandffather or friend.

At the memorial service I was thinking that he was probably up there looking down on us feeling thankful for all of the family and friends that had gathered to celebrate his life, but more importantly I thought he was probably looking down at the casket and thinking..... What a waste of money. He probably had some old used plywood, rusty hinges and handles in his back yard that he could have made a perfectly good box with. He was a master of collecting and recycling.

I'm gonna miss him alot.

I'm gonna miss the family get togethers where I'd have a few beers with him and he'd tell me the same stories about the old days over and over again, totally oblivious to the fact that I could mouth the words along with him cause he had told me the stories so many times.

I'm gonna miss his incredible sense of fashion. He had a real flair for mixing and matching pieces of wardrobe. He would wear a grease stained baseball hat with an old frayed leisure suit, a loud shirt with a mismatching tie, running shoes and he'd top it all off by slinging his wife Lidia's purse over his shoulder. He had his own SPECIAL style.

I'm gonna miss his values. Tony didn't care about stuff, he cared about people and I learned alot from him about that.

I think the greatest gift you can give is the gift of life and I'd like to thank Tony and Lidia for two of the greatest gifts I have received in my life, my wife Vera and her brother (my best friend) Al.

Tony would want us to know that he is at peace and in a good place.

To Tony I would like to say, it's an honour to be your son inlaw, I love you and I miss you.

CHEERS

Success is Not Logical

By their sixtyfifth birthday, 93 percent of people are either dead or dead broke. Fewer men are worth $100 at age 68 than at age 18.

Success is not logical. Logical is the opinion of the majority. If you think illogically and disagree with 93 percent of the people you meet, you are probably on the road to success.

If you can't sell it, wipe with it

I own 80,000 shares of a stock that is now basically worthless. I figure they are worth less than toilet paper and I might as well start wiping with it. If I get one piece of paper for each of my 80,000 shares and wipe twice a day, 365 days a year, I won't have to buy toilet paper for 109 years. That means I will have some left over to leave for my kids when I die and every time they wipe they can think of me.

The money was gone.

I had purposefully not opened my quarterly financial statements for about 9 months cause I knew it wouldn't be pretty and I figured, if I didn't know exactly how bad it was, I could fantasize that maybe my financial adviser was a genius and had sheltered me from the pain. NOT. The money was gone.

After spending a couple of days wallowing in self pity and focusing on the fact that I was now on the Freedom 95 Program, I decided I needed a diversion. When I got home I said to the kids, let's have a family night and play a board game and I sent the little guy down stairs to pick whatever game he wanted to play. He brought up Monopoly. I asked him to set up the game and I left the room for a few minutes. As I came back into the room I called the rest of the family to come and play. As we gathered around the table I noticed there was one component of the game missing. The money was gone.

Live Longer and Die of Boredom

Careful what you eat, don't drink, don't smoke, don't swear, say no to drugs and go to bed early.

Live Longer and Die of Boredom.

I could tell that she wanted me by the way she ignored me

Years ago I ended up at a friends apartment one night and spent the night drinking, playing guitar and singing, totally oblivious to the fact that there were a couple of girls sleeping in one of the bedrooms. In the morning, I'm hung over, lying face down on a mattress on the living room floor and I hear a girl in the kitchen. With my face still buried in the mattress I say ..... If you're making coffee I'll have one. I could tell that she wanted me by the way she ignored me. Finally I peel my face off the mattress and I see a beautiful sight. A hot looking girl sitting at the kitchen table, drinking beer for breakfast.

I never did get the coffee but I did get the girl. She' s cut down on the beer for breakfast.

There is no Wizard, the Wizard is you

The lion wanted courage, the tin man a heart, the scarecrow a brain and Dorothy just wanted to go home. They expended alot of time and energy trying to find the Wizard that could give them what they wanted only to find out that there was no Wizard and that what they wanted had been in their possession all along.

There is no genie or magic pill that can change your life. If you want your world to change, you must change.

There is no Wizard, the Wizard is you.

Apparently my wife has something to do with it.

I always thought that food grew in the oven and that the oven buzzer went off when the food was ripe, hot and ready to be served. I thought the dirty laundry bin in the closet was the machine that washed, dryed and folded the clean clothes and put them on my dresser. I thought the kids finger and toe nails didn't start growing and didn't need to be clipped until they were old enough to live on their own. I thought the summer camp organizations contacted my kids directly and organized their summer schedules for them. I thought that toilet paper regenerated on the roll after you used the last piece and the toilet lid lowered itself when you left the room.

I found out recently I was wrong about all of that. Apparently my wife has something to do with it. The one thing she doesn't do is clean the house. We hire someone elses mom to do that.

Go Lights

In the Bahamas they call traffic lights, Go lights instead of Stop lights. They did this to lessen the uproar from the locals when lights were installed in areas that never had traffic lights. Interesting how changing one word in a phrase can totally change you perception of it. Is the cup half empty or half full? It's all in your perception. Do you look for the positive or the negative in things? Whichever you look for, you will find.

Smile the next time you approach a Go light that is red.

From Rock to Reality

Back in the 1980's I was in a rock band that put out a couple of CD's. If we hadn't been so unpopular I think we could have been huge.

Our 1st CD was called, Just in time to be late (the name set the tone for how well we weren't going to do). We were going to call the 2nd CD, Only to be remembered by how quickly they were forgotten but the record company felt this would only hasten the arrival of the CD at it's ultimate and final resting place (the delete/discount bin at records stores).

The music industry measures sales success in terms of Gold and Platinum. They created a new category for us. They called it Sponge. I'm proud to say we achieved Double Sponge status.

Our initial pressing of 10 CD's sold quickly and propelled us to Single Sponge status but it would be many more months until my mom gave away the 1st 10 CD's and bought the next pressing of 10 to give away. Once all of her friends and family had copies of the CD, sales stalled.

It was during this period that I met the woman of my dreams that would one day become my wife. Not long after, my life went From Rock to Reality.

Harmony Through Obedience

We are going on holidays and my wife says, take the kids to the doctor and get them prescriptions for ailments they might get while we are away. I say, are you nuts, the doctor is going to think I'm crazy, he can't prescribe medicine for something they don't have. She gives me THAT LOOK and I pack up the kids and take them to the doctor. I tell the doctor why I'm there and he gives me THAT LOOK and I pack up the kids and take them home without a prescription.

My buddy John has a phrase for what I do, Harmony Through Obedience.

Woman are care givers and Men are care needers

Women are care givers and men are care needers. Givers need needers and needers need givers. We fill a void in each others lives. In all other areas of life, giving to the needy is a common and noble practice. Why doesn't this apply to husbands?

Why do husbands have to take so much abuse just because we were born ineffective, lazy, thoughtless and needy. Would you berate your child for being born short or left handed? GIVE TO THE NEEDY.

A Holiday Wish

My wife Vera has taken a real beating throughout the course of my blogs and she's been a real sport about it, so as my Christmas present to her I'm not going to talk about her this week.

My holiday wish for all of you is that you may have a mind that is open to everything and attached to nothing. Always want but never need. Let go of your attachments to what you've been trained to believe. Our attachments are the source of all our problems, the need to be right, to possess someone or something, to win at all costs. If we aren't attached to the outcome there is no failure only inner peace and success. Don't let your happiness or success be dependent on an attachment to any thing, any place and especially any person. Happiness is not something we receive from the world it is something we give to the world, so get out there and start giving.

On behalf of Vera, Adrian, Dana and myself I would like to wish you all a great holiday season and a Happy New Year filled with lots of fun, hugs, excitement, mystery, adventure, success, love and lack of attachment. HO HO HO

She wants to go to Disneyworld

She says, I want to take the kids to Disneyworld. I say, I'd rather go somewhere just you and I and relax. No I want to go to Disneyworld, she says. That's a great idea, that's exactly what I was thinking, I say.

Let's go in December, it's the slow time and apparently some of the line ups for the rides are only half an hour she says (wow, only half an hour, I wouldn't stand in a line for half an hour if the bank was giving away free money). She finds out we can buy a fast pass which gives us the right to walk for 2 kilometers to arrive at a ride 2 hours before we are going to board it so we can swipe our fast pass and return 2 hours later to board at a designated time (fast? convenient? hmm.....). I say, why don't we just get in line now with the great unwashed that didn't buy a fast pass and get this over with. She gave me that look and off we went merrily swiping the week away.

They way I see it, when you're a kid, everyday is like being in Disneyland. It's the parents that need the holiday. We work all year to feed, dress, undress, wipe off, medicate, educate and stimulate our kids, then we spend months scrimping and saving and planning how we can rescue the poor little inmates from their life of drudgery and we sweep them off to far away magical locations where we spend a week feeding, dressing, undressing, wiping off, medicating, educating, and stimulating them.

Maybe I'm missing something but, aren't holidays supposed to be a break from the routine of daily life????

The house is expanding and so is my wife.

Guys, if you are looking for something to spice up your marriage, try what I did. Get your wife pregnant, move her, your 5 year old kid and yourself into the basement of your house that has no kitchen facilities, create some makeshift walls with plastic vapour barrier, sleep on fold out canvas cots and hire some unreliable, cranky, smelly guys to rip the back wall off your house and add a rear addition plus completely gut and renovate the existing part of the house that you are living in.

Nothing says I love you like a bouquet of drywall dust and a box of construction debris.

Now she's complete. NOT.

Finally one of my little friends swims up river and arrives successfully at his intended destination. Kid number 2 is on the way. I figure, now she's complete. Not. The house is too small she says. Hmmm. She never wanted to have kids and never wanted to live in the suburbs, now we can't breed fast enough, we're gonna live in Leave it to Beaver Land forever and we need a bigger house. She was happy, I wasn't.

Where do you want to move to I said? Nowhere, let's add onto our house she said. That's too much hassle, I'd rather move I said. No, I want to add on to our house she said. That's a great idea, that's exactly what I was thinking I said. I learned a long time ago, if you're gonna lose, lose quick.

I've created a monster

Child birth. It was the most drastic and rapid personality transformation I have ever seen. She went from a tough, no one is gonna mess with me attitude to a drool covered, diaper changing, baby loving mom. Life was perfect I thought. Not. One day she comes home and says, I don't feel complete. No sweat I said, take a pottery course. "No, I need more", she says.

So back at it we went but it wasn't working this time. We tried everything, standing on our heads, jumping up and down, wearing boxers instead of briefs, cutting out alcohol, coffee and stress. None of it worked and lead to more stress and the need to drink more alcohol and coffee.

The last straw was when I had to put a sample in a jar, put it in my shirt pocket to keep it warm and rush it to the lab for testing where I waited in line for 20 minutes to see the receptionist. Once I reached the front of the line I passed the receptionist my requisition form and was about to reach into my pocket for the jar when the receptionist says (in a loud voice that boomed throughout the crowded waiting room) "sir, do you have your sperm sample"? I broke into a cold sweat and thought I was going to faint. I didn't think life could get any worse. I was wrong. Two days later the lab phoned to say they had lost my sample and could I bring another over right away.

Honey, let's meet the neighbours.

Being the type of people that never wanted to meet anyone we didn't already know, we had lived in our home for 4 years and hardly knew our neighbours. That all changed when our first child was born. We started taking the baby for walks through the hood. Up until this time, whenever we ventured out we would wait till dark, make a dash for our car, roll up the windows and drive through stop signs and red lights until we were safely beyond the borders of Leave it to Beaver Land. On one of our baby strolls we walked about 10 houses south from ours and realized there was a park overlooking the Bluffs with a view of the lake that was full of happy, chatty people with kids of their own. That was like living in your house for 4 years and never opening that one closet door and one day opening it and realizing you have an indoor pool and there's a party going on with a bunch of strangers.

It's funny how if you're walking a baby in a stroller or dragging a hunk of fur on a leash, it's like automatic membership into the club. It's a great ice breaker and you share a common bond of suffering. Whether it's a baby human or a baby pet, you can spend hours with other club members discussing what and when to feed them and then try to figure out how to train them where and when to go number 2.

And to think I wasted the first 36 years of my life being irresponsible, self indulgent, narrow minded, happy, fullfilled and child free.

And then there were three

For years I wanted to have a kid and she didn't. After many failed attempts (this is the only process I can think of where failure can be so enjoyable) it worked. I was happy, she wasn't. I figured this was better than both of us being unhappy.

I still have the first ultrasound picture of Skeletor our bony bundle of joy.

The minute Skeletor was born, aliens kidnapped my wife and replaced her with a baby loving human that could only speak Googoogagaese. Noone was allowed to touch or look at the baby. This was her toy and she wasn't going to share it, not only that, now she wanted more.

Living in Leave it to Beaver Land

I remember the first day I moved to the neighbourhood. I was driving down my street and kids were riding their bikes, smiling people were out mowing their lawns and chatting to their neighbours and as I drove by they were waving to me. Where I had just moved from, if you had a bike it got stolen, there were no lawns, I didn't speak the same language as my neighbours and if someone waved as you drove by you ducked incase he had a gun in his hand.

Over the course of the 1st weekend my wife and I had a big fight about whose fault it was that we had ended up way out here in Leave it to Beaver Land and she left me to return to the comfort of the noise, smog and congestion of our old neighbourhood. I was jealous of her escape from this happy world and would have followed her except she had taken the car and I feared that if I walked to the bus stop I may be accosted by some pleasant mower that may ask my name or worse, offer to weed my lawn.

Eventually my wife returned home because although she had the car I had the cash.

At the time the area was a mix of retired, original owners and young families with kids. We were neither. We were in our 30's, kid free and happy. We threw alot of noisy, outdoor parties, had a revolving door of tenants living in our basement apartment and the street in front of our house looked like a parking lot for rent-a-wreck.

I remember our first Oct.31 in the house. We had invited friends over for dinner and we heard a knock at the door. I went to answer it thinking it was our guests and heard that horrifying sound... TRICK or TREAT. I turned out the lights and told my wife to lie on the floor and crawl for the back door as I phoned our friends to warn them of the invasion. Needless to say we ate out that night and every Oct. 31st until our first child was born. Then everything changed.